Hi everyone!
I am not interesting, nor do I have fun pictures of my bedroom to post, but I wanted to tell you all that I miss you very much.
I have been wishing that we were living together now of late, even more than usual. I'm sad that we are scattered across the country. But I guess that is what this blog is for. It's just not as good as seeing you all in person every day, and I thought I should probably complain about it.
Also, I would like to share something that is really bothering me right now...even though it is sort of silly.
Verb Ballets is getting a new home (YAY!) and in the moving process right now. Previously, the company has rented space from a different dance company called Dancing Wheels (a company of dancers in wheelchairs and not in wheelchairs who collaborate on pieces...interesting) who in turn owned a floor or paid rent to the Masonic Temple in which the studio was located. This produced many problems because Dancing Wheels would suddenly tell us that they were holding a class in our studio one or two mornings a week and that we couldn't start our rehearsal until later in the day...cutting into our rehearsal time significantly, and they were in general, rude and not good landlords. Also, we had no dressing rooms and our offices were located in a different building several miles away. All of this will be BETTER now because we are going to be leasing space from a church in Shaker Heights (real close to my apartment- yay!) and we will be getting our own mirrors, floor, marley, we will have dressing rooms, and our offices will be in the same building. AWESOME. This means we can have company class whenever we please without worrying about paying extra money, and we can rehearse more if we need to, etc.
HOWEVER
Maggie, our director, has mentioned to Katie, one of the dancers and a dancer representative to the board, that she is considering changing our contract for next year because we now have our own space. As background I will explain what our contract is like now.
For instance, most companies have between a 30 and 45 week contract depending on their size and financial resources. Verb currently has about a 32 week contract- not bad, but the other 20 weeks of the year we have off-hence all my trips back to GR. In addition, dancers are paid a certain amount per week. We are all being paid differently depending on our level of experience, position in the company, and amount of time we have been with the company. I am currently getting $175.00/week.
Which is nothing, by the way.
BUT a lot of the time on our weeks off we have outreach programs to do, or smaller shows for which we are paid a per diam or per show rate. This is because much of our funding is made up of grants, many of which are for outreach for children or the elderly, etc. So sometimes we won't have an actual rehearsal week, but we will have 4 or 5 outreach shows which we get paid for separately.
Maggie is, apparently, now considering changing our contract from a 32 week contract to a 10 month contract, during which we will be in rehearsal every week of every month, and then the outreach we do is just part of our job description- so if we have a show at an elementary school one day, we just go do that instead of having a regular rehearsal day. This would mean that we would actually get paid a lot more, since we would be working every week, and getting paid our "per week" rate EVERY week instead of only 2 or 3 weeks a month. We would also be much more prepared for our shows and events, and be in better shape because we would be dancing very consistently.
SWEET - right? At least we wouldn't have such a spotty work schedule. BUT...where will the company get all the extra money you ask? ... Three possibilities:
1) The company cannot feasibly fund this change, the board says there is no way this is possible, and it doesn't happen. Pipe dream city.
2) Some magical grant or donation makes it possible. Hooray money!
3) Maggie is forced to downsize the company.
Option number 2 and 3 are what worry me. I will explain.
Option #2 means that HOORAY we have this awesome contract that basically no other companies in the country have! ...But it could mean that I won't be getting a raise from my apprentice wages (unacceptable. I know what the full company members are getting paid and I am dancing MORE than some of them.) It could also mean that everything money wise is great- I get a raise, AND we are working more weeks. Fabulous. But... there is this little problem of my long-distance relationship.
I am Terrified about what will happen between Jeff and I if this extended contract is approved, and wham I can no longer drive back and forth so much to see him. We will still have 2 months off over the holidays, like we did this year. But when will we see each other besides that? On weekends? Even long weekends would be a tough arrangement to carry on for an indefinite period of time. And that's the thing...this arrangement...is indefinite.
I fell in love - albeit fantastic, deep, never-ending, life-changing, magical, fairy tale love - with the only other person in Grand Rapids who is tied down to one location with an arts job/passion, that does not and potentially will never allow him to move away, or even frequently visit me in Cleveland. And, I know this is cliche, and perhaps premature, but I can see myself being with this person, this wonderful, loving man, for the rest of my life. So, what is more important? I can't give up my dream so that he can pursue his...and I can't ask him to give up his dream so that I can pursue mine...but I also don't want to give up this relationship. I think it's one of those once in a lifetime things. It feels like it.
Where does that leave us? ... I don't know. Encouraging paragraphs about how love will find a way are welcome here.
Option #3 from above scares me for obvious reasons. Downsizing the company means, well...possibly firing some of the dancers. And as one of 2 apprentices that are hoping to stay on for next year, that leaves me on the chopping block. Potentially.
If I lose this job, I have no idea what I will do. I'm not ready to be done dancing, but it's hard as fuck to find a dancing job. And where? Chicago? Unlikely. Also, I like this company. I like the rep and I like the people (mostly...more to come on these developments...)
In addition, I will have already signed the lease for my apartment for another year.
I don't think that I will get fired, but the fact that it's a definite possibility or even a remote one, scares the shit out of me. However, Maggie has already been talking to me about this summer, which is technically on another contract, and I don't know how she could realistically fire many (or any) of the core company members at this juncture...because we wouldn't be able to perform much of the rep we currently do with less dancers.
So again, I guess we will see. I know I can't know what is going to happen. It could be one of the three options above, or something completely unexpected, but I can't stop worrying about it.
The last couple years I have lived my life with the philosophies that everything happens for a reason and what is meant to be, will be.
But right now, it's hard to think that way. So much is at stake.
I know that there is a plan for my life, and so far things have worked out more fantastically than I could have ever thought possible. So, with this in mind, I know that it's possible to have the best of both worlds--to have my cake and eat it too--and I know that things will always work themselves out.
I am resilient.
But I'm scared, and I need support from my moms.
<3
